temptations in my singlehood

i hate to admit that i’m constantly fighting the same sins. i tried storing up His words in my mind to battle when Satan does attack, but i don’t even pull out my weapons during these times.

today i spent a day with my ex. and throughout the day, i just wished she’d see me as the one she’d be with, even knowing we’ll never be together. i hate that i’m selfish and would not care about her holiness more than my selfish want to be important to her. by the end of the day, i was getting touchy. and when she dropped me off, and gave me a not so good hug, i wanted another one. and she declared “**, we need boundaries.” and i said “okay! bye!” and turned around and went home, but inside i was feeling unhappy. why can’t i get another hug, who do you think you are that i’d actually feel something for you? boundaries? but a big part of me keeps saying “why are you feeling frustrated, don’t you care for her holiness?” right now i feel more sinful than unsatsfied. but i do have cravings for physical intimacy. i wanna be held and loved and kissed.

she talked about how excited she is about her wedding night, and her marriage, cus it’d be hot and awesome. and there i was sitting. tryna make it funny, tryna laugh. but really, i wish she were thinking about me, but obviously she wasn’t. i wasn’t in her fantasy.

but i’m going to keep my mind meditating on the Word. for You alone, oh Lord, my soul longs for.