temptation to love pop culture

yeah with that social problem, i was thinking about it and initially i wanted to just go and catch up to all these shows and listen to 102.7 and catch up with current music. i didn’t grow up having the habit of turning on the TV, so i literally never turn it on or watch it, the most i’d do is get DVD sets of shows and play them on dvd players, partially cus i think commercials are a waste of my time. so after the party where i felt completley inadequate to have a convo, i really just wanna learn to watch sports games, certain shows, etc. but after thinking about it, c’mon, you’re being tempted to sin. my motivations to do all these things are completely just for ppl pleasing. and personally, i believe there’s better ways to spend time than being in front of tvs (not that i’m right, but because i didn’t grow up with tv, i feel there’s no need to learn to love another distraction). so i’m just going to not do all this, and trust that God has His plans. i wish everyone would talk about what God’s been doing in their lives during group hang outs. and that’s not how the world is, but i realized you know what? i don’t care. if i sound uptight, serious, not funny, cus i can’t keep up with convos, that’s fine, it’s a “persecution” (for the lack of my vocab i’d have to exaggerate majorly) i’d lovee to endure. each time it happens, i know i’m worshiping God in the way i’m living. for me, the only thing i have in common with these girls is Christ….and since Christ is everything, we have EVERYTHING in common! i wish we’d edify and encourage each other with spiritual talk s all the time…seirously i do. i don’t know how else to have a convo, unfortunately.

my immaturity

so at today after lunch at church, i was cleaning up and feeling super happy that i had something to do, then i met the main pastor’s kid. and she wanted to play with me and have a piggy back ride, then another girl also wanted a piggy back ride and wanted to be chased. then eventually more kids came, and wanted to chase me. so i started running. then eventually i was running i tripped this kid (i think he was almost 2) and he bit his tongue and started crying and he was bleeding.

i felt SOOO awful. soooo awful. i wanted to cry. and his mom said it’s okay, and he was fine afterwards, but still… i know ppl tell me i take things really hard and i’m really hard on myself, and i know that there’s no reason for me to dwell on the past, but it’s so hard for me not to. driving home, i started reflecting…i know that cory o’ yang doesn’t seem to like me much because of how i deal with kids (i baby sat with him one time and i was getting a feeling that he was frustrated with me cus the kids got all crazy with my leading), and honestly…when i think about ppl after service, seirously, NO adult..even teenagers, run around with the kids, hurt kids from craziness. and i realized how much i need to mature ya know? i think it’s great that i love kids, but i need to draw boundaries and know when i’m getting overboard. like…if they relaly wanna run and chase, maybe i could say “hey, let’s all go out and play. no running in here cus other kids can get hurt and we can disrupt adults’ conversations” and if they’re indoor, i can think of somehting to do where we’re all sitting quietly playing games, rather than running around adults who are trying to fellowship. i just felt so embarrassed when i actually started seeing myself from other ppl’s shoes…i really don’t act like a 23 year old woman at all. i act like a 12 year old boy. and i really need to change this. i’m just too embarrassed to admit this to anyone else.

i really need to watch and learn how adults interact, and learn what they do or don’t do, and how they play with children but at teh same time draw a healthy boundary. i shouldn’t need adults telling me to calm down or adults baby sitting me. i don’t think i’m immature mentally, but that when i get excited, i lose all my common sense or self control…which i think i just proved maybe i AM a little immature mentally haha… anyways i prayed a little about it, and praying about it helped me to not just dwll on my mistake aimlessly, i realized there’s no point in being anxious about the past, but i need to come up with something that makes sure that htis experience isn’t wasted.

seriously though, i’m pretty embarrassed. i didn’t feel embarrassed before, but today made me stand back and reflect, and look at myself from someone else’s perspective. i think i have a lot alot a lot to grow…both spiritually and just in general. i feel like the people at pathlights are so mature because i’m so far behind people my age. pray for me rach, pray that God grows me in maturity but at the same time keep the child like faith and happiness and excitement. i just need to be able to control my actions and words.

i can’t believe i’m writing htis letter. im’ sure i’ll look back in 10 years and find it funny, but for now, i’m just ashamed at how childish i am.

temptations in my singlehood

i hate to admit that i’m constantly fighting the same sins. i tried storing up His words in my mind to battle when Satan does attack, but i don’t even pull out my weapons during these times.

today i spent a day with my ex. and throughout the day, i just wished she’d see me as the one she’d be with, even knowing we’ll never be together. i hate that i’m selfish and would not care about her holiness more than my selfish want to be important to her. by the end of the day, i was getting touchy. and when she dropped me off, and gave me a not so good hug, i wanted another one. and she declared “**, we need boundaries.” and i said “okay! bye!” and turned around and went home, but inside i was feeling unhappy. why can’t i get another hug, who do you think you are that i’d actually feel something for you? boundaries? but a big part of me keeps saying “why are you feeling frustrated, don’t you care for her holiness?” right now i feel more sinful than unsatsfied. but i do have cravings for physical intimacy. i wanna be held and loved and kissed.

she talked about how excited she is about her wedding night, and her marriage, cus it’d be hot and awesome. and there i was sitting. tryna make it funny, tryna laugh. but really, i wish she were thinking about me, but obviously she wasn’t. i wasn’t in her fantasy.

but i’m going to keep my mind meditating on the Word. for You alone, oh Lord, my soul longs for.

Battling sins

i met up with my discipler today. we meet up once a week, and i totally appreciate her confrontations and her straightforwardness.

today she asked me about my ex. and eventually told me to try to not have my ex in my life at all. just cus no good fruit would be produced from it. and the fact that i don’t feel okay with letting her go shows i’ve built myself another god. and yes…now that this is out in the open…i think i need to let it go. i’m seeing my ex tuesday and saturday. it’ll be hard knowing in my mind what’s going to happen. and i want to live well i want to fight sins (for me this is more of a sin of idolatry than anything else)..i want to love God. and each time i crave for her presence adn comfort and understanding, i am reminded of my eternal life with Christ, my soild identity IN christ.

my discipler had also told me i am quite an extreme person. she’s so right. and i really want to change. I recognize my extremeness and i really don’t want to be this way. this is the first time anyone has confronted me about this issue that i so feel.

so at church today, my idolization of people that my discipler talked about was confirmed. cus while at dinner, i was like “ehhh…nah, that’s not me, i can live without anyone you name” well, i didn’t actually say that, but that’s how i felt.

then at church i was humbled. There’s this girl i really wanna be friends with..to me she’s the coolest person ever, and we are friends. and we’ve been on several meal dates and even a fun date, but we’re not friends who share about the little things in our lives. so today we didn’t really…um, talk after church. and i kinda stayed around talking to another just so i could maybe catch a moment with her (hoping she’d approach me cus i get so nervous around her i don’t know what to talk about, but she’s really good at keeping a convo going…just i’m good at ending convos too haha…) but instead she left without saying bye, so i kinda followed and said i was leaving too, and still ont he way out i didn’t get to talk to her. if i had tried, i know she’d talk to me, but id idn’t try, i just was hoping she’d make a convo. So last saturday we went out and it was so good that i have our pic as my desktop…but today i’m just all of a sudden feeling insecure again. anyways, driving home, i felt bummed. and thoughts started going…does she want to have me as a close friend? is it possible for us to get there one day?does she want to talk to me too? does she enjoy my company? is she going to try? or is she doing htis just out of obligation?

then all of a sudden it hits…OMG, my discipler is right. i DO idolize relationships. I mean i sure cna live without the people in my life, but it’s the small things that affect me more. People’s mood and how they treat me THAT DAY affect my feelings for the rest of the week. if someone i really love is really good to me for a day, i feel uplifted the rest of the week (or until i next see the person) and vice versa. it’s lke my friends have to live up to my standard every single time we meet. every time they’d have to start new (in a way. but i can’t really exactly put things in words).

i do’nt want to be this person i am. I want to become holy. i really want to pursue holiness and worship God is my pursuit of a holy life. I want my life to be a living sacrifice. i want to glorify Him with the big things and hte little things. I don’t want any gods but Him. it’s scary but also assuring to know that without His power, there’s no possible way for me to rid myself of sins.

so just now i sent a message to my best friend from hs. someone who understands me BEST of how attached i could get. actually, i wanted to commit suicide because i couldn’t get her love. so i wrote her this

so i know i’m 23 and old, but still i have a hard time not letting people i like a lot influence my emotions. like if this girl i really like doesnt talk to me, i start feeling “booo):” if you know what i mean. years after hs, i didn’t change too much. i really wanna grow. today my discipler straight out told me i needed to stop idolizing people and she got it all right.

But my friend replies to me

Ah! yeah, i know you’ve had that issue but ******…Quite honestly….You’ve come SUCH a far way! Remember our high school bff days?? you’re a lot more mature than you credit yourself to be. i know it’s still something that you struggle with but don’t let it bring you down! you are a 23 year old that has a HUGE heart.

this text put me to tears. i didn’t even remember how much i’ve come, just how much i’m failing now. But people who have known me for a long time are sooo encouraging, reminding me of who i was and who i am now. and who i will become. I want to pursue holiness and glorify Him in my pursuit. I will worship my savior with my battle against idolatry. i will let go of everythign i once counted my life, and count them now as rubbish.

⁷ But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. ⁸ Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ

let me let go of everything i once considered precious to me. and be with the one who can bring me supreme joy.

04/14/13 Lunch with a homeless couple

As i stepped out of my car parked in a parking lot connected to a mexican restaurant, a man pushing a woman on a wheel chair was standing by my door, smiling. They asked me how i was doing, and whether I had some spare change for them. I asked them if i had the privileged of buying them some food, and Shawn and Melissa ended up dining with me.

everytime i hang out with homeless folks, i learn so much from them. Shawn told me that a lot of times, the rich people are so consumed with intellectual arrogance that they dont think they have anything to learn from those on the streets. but if anyone just listens, there’s a lot anyone can teach anyone else. When i asked about Shawn and Melissa’s love story (seriously, shawn pushes melissa on a wheel chair everywhere, serves her in a loving way, and they struggle together and it has been 8 years…the locals confirmed that with me). From the way they talked about why they loved each other, and the way they love each other, i ended up crying. they may tell me all these things that i may not be able to trust, but their love is tangible. Melissa told me before she became crippled, unable to walk, unable to see, she would tell shawn all the time that when all these things happen, he would leave her for sure. and he kept telling her no he wouldn’t, but she insisted he would. But as her body decays, as she loses ability to see, to walk, he only keeps loving her. and when i asked shawn what makes him love melissa, he said “what’s not to love?!” and then went on explaining how encouraging melissa is towards him. you know…people who are educated…people who have a house, a family…not many love and serve each other the way shawn and melissa do.

then shawn told me that to be happy in life, “you have to change all your got to’s to get to’s. you GET to go to work in the morning. you GET to be with your family. you GET to go to school, you GET to study.” and i can tell, for reals, these people are happy together.

i asked them how they stay clean (because in general, resources even to shower are hard to find. and when you’re unclean, it’s even harder to get help), they told me they get baby wipes from hospitals and clean themselves up that way. they get body wash and wash their hair and body with it (cus “what is shampoo but a different kind of body wash? when you need to live, you will find ways to live. you’ll be surprised by what you can do.” – shawn).

when i asked them where they go for bathrooms, they told me ralphs, hospital. they also told me the unisex bathroom outside of weinersnitchel is where homeless women are often raped so they avoid the area.

English: A homeless man in Paris Français : Un sans domicile fixe à Paris. Tiếng Việt: Một người đàn ông vô gia cư ở Paris Polski: Bezdomny mężczyzna w Paryżu See below for more translations. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

they don’t have any case managers…there’s no social worker in their life, no social services helping them with the little things in life. they have been on the street for years (at least 8). and after 1.5 hours of talking, they hurried and left, because it was time to collect cans to recycle.

really…we claim we love…christians…but why are there people on the streets? why are their people struggling just to survive? why are the homeless people trying so hard to please me with gospel truths just so they can get my approval…the reality is that they were probably saying these thigns because they think i’m loving them because i want something in return…to convert them (which is true, but not the way they are used to. this one time “hey jesus died for you, okay chao now. moving on.”) they are there around the area EVERY DAY. and i hope i can have lunch with them every sunday when i’m in the area. but my love IS so small. i can’t help sometimes wondering which part of what they’re saying is true, which parts are pretend? i can’t help doubting their words sometimes, knowing they’re trying to please me, and i just wanna tell them…”i’m with you…i really don’t need you to act out of the ordinary… just be you. and i’ll be me. let’s have a relationship”. but a big part of me is scared…cus i AM selfish. i’m scared of being taken advantage of, or not being able to get away when i want to.

i’m ashamed of my selfishness. and i wish i’d love them more. I wish i didn’t care melissa had the odor of a homeless individual, but i cared. i wish i didn’t merely shake their hands, but that i had given them hugs..prolonged hugs, to let them know we’re in this together. that we’re family.

on a separate note, tonight i really struggled with singlehood and my homosexuality. i was watching the Art of Getting By, where in the end of the movie, the main characters kiss, and the girl says to the boy something along the line of “you know we’ll be together in the end.” and my heart sank, my eyes watered, and i got needy. i wanted to be with the girl i’ve loved for the past three years. last year, i was still stuck in the mindset that we’ll be together in the end. but this year, i realize…no, we won’t. we will in fact never be together. though we may forever be in love? orr…does she actually love me? i don’t know. but i craved her love tonight.

i texted my sister in christ who is in my small group, and she encouraged me with this blog http://www.fabsharford.com/ and asked me to meditate on a bible passage. i chose two. 2Corinthians 12:9-10 and 1corinthians 10:13. i feel renewed. i love this blog. i read all of the first page, and i clicked on “thoughts on life” => “singleness” and read blessings of singleness #5 lack of physical intimacy, because i think that’s what i crave the most. i never really saw not having physical intimacy as a blessing, as a craving that should draw my eyes to Christ. a sweet sweet fast with a sweet hunger reminding me that myfather in heaven knows what’s best for me. i feel this weird sense of connection with this girl, as if i’ve known her all my life and know her personally. so blessed by all her spilling of real emotions. and it’s my hope i can bless others the same way…through the blessings of trails in my life. my trails my be difficult, but they are sweet and i rejoice. yes, i fall. i am tempted. i lose. but in the end, Christ is my rock, my solid ground. i have no fear.

yes, in the end…i’m going to be single for this life. but like my discipler had said, if marriage is necessary, God would have created marriage in heaven. i know that the reason you wanna go to heaven is the thing you worship. and i wanna go to heaven, because this world hurts a lot…i feel lonely so often. and honestly,what hurts most is not being with the one(s?) i love who at least once loved me back. i often fantasize being a martyr for Christ, just so i could get the best of both worlds…to be with christ, and to die gloriously in this world. gosh, how selfish and ridiculous am i right? as i’m writing these things, i know i’ve lost perspective. what are these thigns compare to my eternal salvation?! the eternity i’d get to spend in heaven with Christ! i’d get to worship day and night for eternity on my knees along with the angels…how glorious that day will be.

For when i am weak, then i am strong. – 2corinthians 12:10